Change the Trajectory of Your Disappointment
What’s the first thing you should do when someone has overlooked you and not considered your feelings?
BY DRS. BOB AND AUDREY MEISNER – JULY 9, 2019
Without knowing the details of your current relationships and possible challenges, we would love to offer a relationship strategy that has the potential to create new possibilities for your future. The choices you make in navigating disappointment will determine whether you will live in painful suffering, or move to a land of harmony.
When it comes to disappointment, what’s the first thing you should do when someone has overlooked you and not considered your feelings? What do you do when someone is not living up to your hopes, dreams or expectations?
“The land of guessing leads straight into making judgments. You appoint yourself as judge of the situation.”
Surprisingly most people do this:
Maybe these unmet expectations have you feeling taken for granted, or misunderstood or unheard. Or maybe a disappointment has you feeling alone, rejected and insecure. Either way, you are likely to begin guessing. It’s difficult to know exactly why most of us do this, but we begin to wonder the reason - WHY? I guess they just don’t love me. I guess I’m not very important to them. I guess they don’t have the capacity to be thankful or appreciative.
Living in the “Land of Guessing” is a very dangerous place indeed. The land of guessing leads straight into making judgments. You appoint yourself as judge of the situation. Maybe you decide that they are unkind or inconsiderate and don’t deserve your best. Maybe you decide that they need to pay for treating you unfairly and ignoring you.
The judgments we make can further our despair leading to depths of sadness or anger. Now that you’ve made the judgment, you will definitely react, and the other person will probably notice. Deep down, you may hope they do notice! Your reactions include self-pity, avoiding, moodiness and possibly accusations. To further fan the flame, your subconscious starts to gather evidence and feed the judgments. You may begin to remember evidence of times they have done this before...or you may start to assume the worst about that person and their intentions.
This entire path has taken place without any interaction from the other person. And this path leads to a very sad place of conflict and buried pain. Ultimately, after following this path repeatedly, it will resolve in a surface relationship or a broken relationship. No longer will this relationship feel like a gift, but rather draw you into the “Land of Suffering”.
Many marriages and family relationships exist in this cycle of disappointment and suffering. The good news is, there is a simple and very personal invitation for you to take the road of “Personal Responsibility” and it doesn’t require the “other person” to change or behave or cooperate! You can do this completely on your own, and begin building the bridge of relationship from your end.
Discover the secret:
As soon as disappointment hits, the feelings are immediate. It’s important to notice and acknowledge these emotions. Don’t bury them, ignore them or minimize them. Instead, name them, identify them, and then create an experience with God. Get alone, imagine a place that is safe and beautiful and ask God to meet with you there. Feel His peace and assurance and then ask Him how he feels about you. You’ll be amazed as He validates your pain, and never minimizes your feelings.
Tell him more about how you feel about the disappointment. Confess your limitations to God. Tell him “I’m not very good at this right now. This is challenging for me. I don’t even feel like ‘liking’ this person right now.” He will help you. Receive His mercy until you feel washed in His peace and presence. Now it will be easier to send the offense away. Yes, that person disappointed you, but in the big scheme of things, that person was never designed to be your source. Only God has the ability to truly be your source. That person can be your #1 contributor, but not your source.
After sending the offense away, make the needed course correction. If you have been reactive and punishing to the other person, consider apologizing. Discover and learn how love “lands” for them and be the first one to show kindness and compassion. When you love you can’t lose!
Map of Disappointment
Hear more about this topic on Episode 9 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.